It was Arrested Development.George Michael was sitting at his computer, logged on to the Unoffical Fansite for Les cousins dangereux, which he helped moderate, when Michael gently knocked and simultaneously poked his head around the door. George Michael quickly changed tabs over to the Junior Savers Alliance, a site which promoted both economic frugality and sexual abstinence.

“Hey, buddy, whatcha doing?”

“Oh, nothing, I’m just checking up to see if there’ve been any updates in saving, cause you know I don’t want to be left behind. I might be wasting my money right now, and not even know it yet. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and find out I’m no longer frugal.”

“Hmm. Really?” Michael glanced at the screen and grimaced. George Michael continued to babble quietly, “And maybe they‘d changed the rules on abstinence, or like, maybe who you were allowed to um, like, they might cross stuff off the taboo list, you know they do that sometimes.” while his father spoke over him, “Yeah, you know, George Michael, I’ve been thinking. We don’t have to be frugal all the time, you know? We’re doing okay, we can splash out sometimes, you don’t have to save every penny you know.”

“But I like saving.”

“Yeah.” “But there’s more important things than making money, isn’t there?”

“Ethical Investment.”

“No. People, George Michael, people. I think maybe this computer business is not for us, hey? Why don’t you get out there, you know, meet some real people, maybe go on a date sometime. Get a girlfriend.”

“Oh, yeah, I thought you meant in economics, so, yeah, no, people are more important. Well, actually I kind of wanted to see Ann today, anyway, so that works out fine.”

“Hey that’s great. Whose aunt?”

“Ann, my girlfriend.”

“Wow, you work fast, buddy, where’ve you been hiding her? I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, when am I gonna meet her?”

“You’ve met. It’s Ann, remember, I nearly got engaged to her. She dumped me for Uncle Gob. You’ve met many times.”

“Her? Eh, you’d think I’d remember. Look George Michael, maybe dating’s not important, you know, it’s friends and family,” Michael put his arm around George Michael’s shoulder and gave him a squeeze, “that matter. You don’t have to make up a girlfriend to impress me, I’m sorry I made you feel that way, and you know, dating kind of gets in the way of family doesn’t it? Yeah, we don’t need anyone, we’re the Bluth Boys! Okay!”

“Yeah, but, it’s Ann, I didn’t make her up, you just drove her home last night.” George Michael trailed off as Michael gave him a fatherly punch on the shoulder and left the room, saying one last piece of advice,

“Okay, so less of the computer stuff hey, and lets not worry about dating any time soon.”

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Lindsay was ecstatic about having a date that night with a charming, handsome, rich, male-model rocket scientist. None of which he actually was.

“Oh my god, Michael, he’s actually been to the moon!”

“Really? I think you’ll find that rocket scientists don’t actually go in the rockets, that would be astronauts.”

“Oh whatever, Michael. He’s just amazing. And he has the most luscious head of hair. So thick, and long.” Tobias who had been walking past the kitchen, smiled on hearing ‘he’s amazing’ and quickly wilted and left the scene at the mention of hair. Charlie Brown.

“Well, whatever he is, Lindsay, I’m really glad for you, I hope the date goes well,“ It doesn’t.
“despite everything about you, you actually deserve a little happiness.”

“Thanks Michael! You know, you deserve it too; you ought to get out there again. I mean it’s been forever since you’ve had a date.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve got George Michael to think of. I’m just not sure he’s ready.”

“Oh come on Michael, we all know it’s you who’s not ready. But you are. Just because all of your relationships have gone disastrously wrong doesn’t mean the next one will. You’re just chicken.”

“Chicken?” This was Gob, poking his head in from the living room where he’d been eating Michael’s food and watching his tv. He had an eager look on his face. “Why is he a chicken?”

“He’s scared to start dating again.”

Gob’s smile was huge as he began the chicken dance. Cock a caw cock a caw! Lindsay joined in too.

“Stop that! I’m not scared. And that’s not what a chicken sounds like. What is wrong with this family?”

“We all know what’s wrong with your family: you haven’t got a girlfriend! Ha, you couldn’t even hang onto your wife!!”

“My wife died, Gob, unlike your wife who divorced you.”

“Yeah? Well, at least I didn’t try to marry a retard! Come on!”

Michael winced. “Don’t say it like that, Gob, it’s offensive. She was a really lovely girl, and I didn’t know she was mentally retarded, her accent confused me. You obviously did a much better job, marrying a complete stranger in Vegas on a dare. How much did she take in the divorce, again?” Gob was silent and looked away.

“You’re still chicken.” Lindsay said. Gob moved, about to start the dance again; Lindsay and Michael both shook their heads at him, and he reluctantly stopped.

“I’m not chicken. I will go on a date, I’m not scared, I just haven’t met anyone recently. You know, I’ve been so busy trying to save the company, save dad, you know save this family, in case you’ve forgotten? Plus, I’m still kind of raw over Sally Sitwell dumping me.”

“Stickwell! She didn’t dump you! You never even went out! You were too scared to stick it to her, weren’t you Michael?”

“And you actually slept with your wife before she divorced you, didn‘t you?” He didn’t. Gob narrowed his eyes but said nothing.

“Oh Michael, you could meet someone if you just tried looking.” Lindsay said encouragingly, “I bet there’s someone at work who’d love to date you, I don’t know who, but we hire lots of people, don’t we?”

“That may well be, but as her boss it would be unethical of me. You see, it’s not that easy.”

“Easy? You can meet someone anywhere if you wear skimpy enough clothing.”

“Ah, I find that doesn’t always work.” Tobias said as he entered the room in horribly revealing clothing. “Crazy, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I couldn’t help over hearing that you’re looking for a special someone, Michael. And I’d love to be that special someone.”

Lindsay rolled her eyes, Gob looked mildly sick. Michael was pre-occupied trying to keep out of Tobias’ hug. “Tobias, that’s really… flattering, but I’m just not interested in you in that way.”

“Oh, no, you silly. I want to be that special buddy who helps you find a date. You need someone to hook you up. But first, I’ll need to get inside you and find out what turns you on! My extensive analrapist skills will really come in handy.”

“Look, Tobias, that’s really nice of you but I just don’t think it’s going to work out.”

“Well, at least I’ve managed to get a date; who else are you going to ask for advice? Gob? Lindsay?”

“Hey, I’ve got a date, Tobias, and he just happens to be a dream!”

“Oh, really? When did, no, that’s fine, I don’t need to know because ours is an open marriage and that doesn’t mean that we need to be open with each other.”

“Anyway, you have a date, Tobias?” Michael asked to distract them.

“Ah, yes! Well, I had a date. A met a very attractive lady on the ‘Internet’, and we had a date last night.”

“How’d it go?”

“Very well, in fact we’ve made plans to see each other again. We had a marvellous time.”

“Really? Tobias you old dog, what’s her name?”

“Jeff.” It really was. “Oh, well, you see it was the darndest thing, but this lady turned out to be a man!”

“Is any one else getting de ja vu?”

“I know what you’re thinking, how could I make this mistake - again. But he was dressed as a woman in his profile picture, and it was very very convincing. Anyway, if you are interested in meeting someone, and I’m sorry but I just don’t think that skimpy clothing is going to do it for you Michael” He tried to slap Michel on the bum, “even with that tocus! Ahem, you might find the internet a timely invention!”

“The internet isn’t new, Tobias. But I might see where you’re going, I’m just not sure I like it.”

“Oh nonsense! Internet dating is now seen as a very mainstream practice, Michael, almost all stigma has gone from it.”

“Well, that’s certainly reassuring…”

“I’d be willing to help you find a woman, by filtering through the sites with you - you wouldn’t believe how many times they accidentally matched me with a man! But that hasn’t stopped me from getting my fair share of action, and it shouldn’t stop you either! I won’t take no for an answer! Methinks I will find you the perfect woman this very eve!” Tobias raised his hand in the air and dramatically left the room, smiling broadly.

“I’m not getting out of this, am I?”

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Later that day, Tobias approached Michael on his own.

“I’ve done it!” Tobias said, giggling wildly. “Well, I haven’t found you a woman yet, but I’ve found the perfect site for you! It’s not strictly a dating site, but it is for pairing up likeminded people.”

“Tobias, I’m not so sure…”

“Uh-uh-uh. I’ve listed you on LoveBuriedDeep.com, it’s a widow/widower networking site! I accidentally stumbled across it while searching for something else. Give me one day and I’ll work my way through everyone on that site until I’ve found you the perfect woman, and don’t worry - I’ll make certain she’s not a man this time, no matter what lengths I have to go to!”

“Ah. Well, you know it might be nice to meet a young widow, she’d certainly understand some of what George Michael and I are going through. Look, I’ll let you do this, since you seem to be enjoying it so much, just don’t get your hopes up too high, okay? These things don’t always work out.”

Tobias was nearly peeing with excitement. “I won’t let you down Michael! You’ll have Ms Perfect’s email address in one day! And she’ll be burying her love deep in you in no time!”

“Okay, that’s great. I just hope she really isn’t a man.”

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Two days later, Tobias did actually come through. He’d been reading every profile, male and female, on the site and had finally found a woman he thought Michael would like. Her name was Barbara, she was about Michael‘s age, originally from England but was currently living a mere hour away; she seemed very sweet, was quite attractive, and had a young son close to George Michael in age. The more he read of her, the more suitable for Michael she seemed, so he promptly, and proudly, copied out her name and email, and printed her gorgeous profile picture. He had a huge sense of satisfaction, whistling show tunes, as he carried the information to Michael. Of course, what he didn’t realise in his triumph, was the fatal error he’d made. barbara87@email.com was not her email address, but that belonging to the middle-aged, twice-widowed, English Barbara one profile above hers.

Michael, being given assurances of Barbara’s compatibility by Tobias, hesitantly sent his first email, and received one back. Barbara was excited to hear from a similarly aged man with a similarly aged son. The emails began to come thick and fast. Among other things, they discussed their sons.

My son Shaun has a lovely girlfriend, Liz, although he seems to still be rather immature at times, he certainly loves playing those video games with his best friend. He’s had some trouble adapting to other father figures, but despite his outward aloofness he has a heart of gold and will come around in the end. He’s not very communicative with me, but he is very loving to his mother.

Your son sounds great; it‘s understandable that he should be wary about new men in your life, I think it’s only natural, but I hope he won‘t be too hard on your next partner, if I could be bold enough to think it might be me. George Michael is generally very sensible, I wish he would have as much fun as Shaun. He is not currently seeing anyone, although he did nearly get engaged recently. I was not very fond of the girlfriend and am very relieved it didn’t go ahead. Perhaps Shaun could give him some tips?! Lol.

Soon they were smitten, and still hadn’t tried to clarify the other’s identity. When Michael suggested that Barbara come to visit, he was mildly surprised to hear that she lived in London, but gladly accepted the fact when she proposed coming anyway. He was also surprised at her leaving Shaun behind, still believing him to be a teenager. He isn’t.

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Lindsay was still mourning her disastrous date with the not so handsome, charming, rich or intelligent plumber, whom she had believed to be a rocket scientist with a side line in male modelling. She was currently in the kitchen eating ice cream. Michael was trying not to be too smug.

“You know you’re right Michael: dating isn’t worth it. You can meet someone easily enough, but they’re never what they seem. I mean, I thought Tobias was a real catch and look what happened there!”

“No you didn’t. You married Tobias to piss off mom and dad.”

“Yeah, but it seemed like I was killing two birds with one stone. I thought I knew him, but there’s all this never nude stuff, and he suddenly thinks he’s an actor, and not to mention our love life… He’s…”

“Please don’t…mention it, don’t. I’m not having this conversation with you again.”

“Fine, Michael. Let’s talk about your love life then.”

“Must we?”

“Oh come on, Michael! We’re not really brother and sister! Why are you shy with me?”

“Perhaps the five marriage proposals have something to do with it. Look Lindsay, you are my sister, regardless of blood. Like you’re my twin, regardless of age.”

“Then talk to me! Did Tobias get you laid, at least? Someone in this family has got to be getting some!”

Tobias entered smugly rubbing his hands together. “Did I get him laid? I gave him the best sex he’s had in years!”

“That’s unfortunate wording, Tobias, and not strictly accurate.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Barbara wasn’t a good lay? She certainly looked like she’d be good in bed - she didn’t turn out to be a man, did she - it would be the trifecta! O boy, Tobias you sure can pick em!”

“No. No, she’s all woman, Tobias. We haven’t slept together. And I’m completely comfortable saying that, because she lives in England.”

“Ohhhh.” Lindsay said. “I understand now. You’re scared. You are scared, that’s why you’re dating someone in another country, because then you’ll never have to get close to her. It all makes sense now.” She looked remorsefully at him. “It’s all my fault. You’re crippled with guilt over your feelings for me.”

“I do sometimes feel guilty about my feelings towards you.” Michael admitted, remembering every moment of condescension, hate, irritation, bewilderment, anger,… “But no, Lindsay, I’m not scared… in fact, I really want to see just how far I can take this relationship. You know, I think there might really be something there.”

“Well, that’s marvellous!” Tobias interjected, then turned to Lindsay, “But I really would appreciate it if you’d stop coming on to my brother-in-law in my presence, I find it very upsetting. You seem to forget that we are married.”

Tobias was ignored until he left the room, while Michael and Lindsay discussed Barbara. Michael’s face shone as he spoke, but Lindsay was less than enthusiastic.

“Argh, she’s ugly then.”

“No actually, she’s a very attractive woman…. I have seen her photo…not that it matters.”

“Oh you’re so naïve. You have no proof that that’s her. She probably cut the picture out of a magazine. She’s odd or she’s ugly. Trust me Michael,” At this point George Michael entered the room, oblivious. “that’s the only reason anyone uses the internet.”

“I wasn’t! It’s educational, that’s the only, I’ve never seen that page before…”

“What? George Michael, what are you?”

“What? Oh, no nothing. Why, what are you talking about?”

“Your dad’s dating an ugly kook, but he’s in denial.”

“Ha, what? Dad, you’re dating someone?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say dating - thanks Lindsay. But, yes, I suppose I have been talking to someone lately, and I might be considering… One day, yes. Yes, I am dating someone. Sort of.”

“Oh, I thought we agreed that dating’s not for us? Bluth boys!“

“Did we? Arh, no no I think that extending our family is a great idea! Yeah, you could really use a mother figure, don’t you think?”

“I guess. What about Aunt Lindsay, and Gangee?"

“A better mother figure. Not that we’re replacing mom, no one will ever do that. And not that I’m serious with this girl, not really. It’s really more of an acquaintance.”

“So, does this mean that I can date again?”

“Sure, son, just as soon as you can get a date!”

“Maybe he should use the internet too.”

“What, no, dad I haven’t been using the internet, not since we agreed it was bad.” He had. “ No, yeah, People, woo!”

“What? Oh that’s right, I asked you not to use the internet. Yeah, I’ve been thinking; it’s not that bad, you know, it’s a great resource, and as long as you’re sensible about it, I can’t see it being a problem. No, in fact it can be a lot of fun, as long as you‘re safe; we have no problem with the net.”

“Oh, great. So as long as I don’t, like, meet strangers in person or give them my details, I can go back to… um, the Junior Savers?”

“Yeah, sure, buddy. But actually, I just remembered… I may have a date coming up, with that acquaintance I told you about. She might be coming here to stay, from England. In fact, well, she is.”

“You hadn’t really told me.. She’s English? Is she…?”

“She is a nice normal girl, and very intelligent, okay? Just wait till I meet her, till you meet her, you’ll love her.”